Note to self: Stop feeling dumb.
The one thing I truly struggle with is being harsh on myself. I say really nasty things to myself sometimes when I make a mistake or do something ‘dumb’, I know that my mistakes don’t define me but I have to hold myself accountable for some of the horrible things that I do. I respect the life that I am blessed with and the work that I do, I accept that things won’t always be easy and when they do get tough, I have to be tougher.
Being tough on a normal day is cool but when you have to be tough against challenges, they always come prepared to destroy you and it may feel like you’re weak but my mom always told me that “ngeke uhlulwe into engakhulumi” meaning you cannot be defeated by something that can’t even speak. I always tell myself that when times are tough and I soldier on.
Now when we speak of the days where you feel defeated by yourself, your own brain, your own heart and mind is betraying you and you feel like nothing you do is enough and that you’re basically stupid because what the hell is wrong with you anyway. These thoughts or feelings come in full force and trip you over, the day could turn into a nightmare and perhaps the whole week, so they need to be nipped in the bud.
At first I would be a victim and dwell in these horrible feelings of being inadequate, not smart, not fast enough and dumb but I realised that its not all days that I will wake up feeling like a shining star and its up to be to remind myself that even when I am not shining, I am still a star. So I started to write the things that I am great at, things that I keep improving at and that means I make progress every day, progress in itself is a win no matter how small it is. I was born knowing nothing at all so everything I learn and everything that I am able to do now, is amazing and that means I can never in a million years be dumb. “And that’s on period!” — in Mihlali Ndamase’s voice
